I’m finally at this brilliant point where I’m starting to understand what people say to me. It’s a fabulous feeling, even if I can’t say much back at the moment besides a whole host of random words and phrases (such as “sir, can I have 10 dumplings?” which is very useful I’ll have you know).

It also helps with the paranoia that comes when you keep thinking that everyone is talking about you. Well. They aren’t always talking about you. Most of the time though. Like when they’re whispering and staring at you, they are talking about you. The good news is that it is often good things.

“Mommy, her hair!” said a little girl the other day. “Pretty.”

Teenage boys on the other hand make fun of me. But that’s cool. Teenage boys make fun of every single person in every country around the whole world. It’s  a universal truth. Teenage boys = strange awkward mutants.

I got off the subway the other day in an area where I never see foreigners and I saw a blonde girl.

And she scared me.

So basically, I scare myself? I see my reflection in the mirror sometimes and I swear to god, I almost jump.

It has certainly chilled me out though. If I’m startled when I see blonde people, I figure it’s cool for everyone else to be as well.

A “level 3″ stare…

Fine, fine, it’s not a game. I couldn’t come up with a title. I’m lame.

At any rate, I do want to talk about staring. Now, I am stared at here. Is this a surprise? Not really, considering my height and the way I look. I’m stared at here on a level that I have never experienced outside of China, including the entire continent of Africa. Yes. Okay, folks, I know I’m a giant viking but the staring has gotten to a level that is it rather hilarious.

Fine, fine, I live in a nation of people who stare. Really? Is it a big deal. Nawww… not really. But it does amuse me.

Okay, now, the levels.

1) The standard gawk: Pretty much what I consider the “normal” stare. I would say it runs an average of 5 seconds and people look away when I look them in the eye. Often performed on the subway or at the bus stop.

2) The street stop gawk: far more common in West Beijing near where I work, the street stop means that someone literally stops in their tracks when they see you and spends a minimum of TEN, I repeat, TEN seconds staring at you.

3) The kiddie almost cry stare: usually performed by children who don’t often see foreigners. Children are so disturbed by your presence that they stare at you like you’re the monster under the bed. And… wait for it… the face crumple… Oh wait. That’s right. You are the monster under the bed.

3) The bicycle dismount: Usually performed by elderly women and my absolute favourite, albeit rare. This happens when someone is riding along, they see me, and they decide my existence here is such a shock that it requires a stop, a complete bicycle dismount and at least a GOOD 30 second stare. That’s a minimum, mind you. This really is the top tier level of staring, and I generally get excited when it happens, almost like I have won a prize.

Okay, bye bye, I’m going out to get stared at.